CONTE

I’m fucking terrified

I’ve been grinding on a new music video for 28 days. Actually let me rephrase that: this new music video has been grinding ME. It’s grown, without my consent, to a glossy, bank breaking saga, sparing no detail and no expense. My bank of america savings account has been cut in half. Most of my liquid is gone.

This situation is foreign to me. Usually I’m careful. I’m a well educated son of a doctor from the suburbs. I make good decisions. But the consistent weight of choices, the financial discretion, the same good sense that has kept me afloat as an artist, would keep me from making this video (after all, there’s zero potential return on investment, right?).

So at the beginning of this process, I decided to bury my sculpted prudence in the backyard for a month. Maybe I’ll dig it up when this video is finished, but right now, it only stands between me and my fun little art project.

That’s what it feels like. I’m gluing frosty paper onto washers. Cutting cardboard boxes and spray painting them silver. And all the while I’m watching my savings melt into nothing. I feel like a guilty child, slotting quarter after quarter into a shiny arcade.

But can great things be made in the absence of such apprehension? Without the fear of making a big, dumpy failure, without being over budget and under expectation, without the prioritization of art over revenue projections, can you make something FUCKING GREAT?! Seriously. I’m asking you that question. Cuz right now I’m desperate for another answer. Perhaps some people have the ability to ride the status quo and barf out liquid genius on a regular basis. But I’m no genius. I have to work like a slave to make something passable. And if I want to make something good, it seems like I have to relinquish my body and brain entirely to my goal.

Or maybe I’m just trying to justify spending more fucking money.